Today I learned that I can fit into my skinniest jeans again.  Normally this is the cause for rejoicing but today it just made me sad.  I’d be in my 15th week right now–just starting to do the “wide release” good news. I know this because even though I haven’t been really keeping track of where I would have been I keep getting these updates from The Bump (I signed up for the weekly newsletter the day before our first prenatal appointment when we got the bad news) and I can’t figure out how to turn them off.  I try not to think about it too much.  I do my best to keep distracted but sometimes it still really really gets to me.

We’ve made the decision to start trying as soon as I’ve had a regular cycle (so pretty soon) but part of me is reserved about this.  Part of me just wants to be pregnant again.  The other part is terrified of it all going wrong again.  I’ve been spending some time looking through the miscarriage support forums–lurking, not participating and this is a pretty common fear.  It is good to read about other women who have the same fears even if very VERY few of them know how to spell properly.

It’s a little lonely.  I have this great group of people that I can talk to about any and all of this whenever I want to.  I know that.  Everybody who knows has been really supportive but…what is there to say?  I’m sad?  Sure I’m sad.  But it’s more than that…more that involves emotions that I don’t have words for.  I don’t know how to explain this feeling.  The closest I could come the other night when I was trying to explain it to Will is that I just feel…less.  I don’t feel less than.  I just feel…. less.  Not muted.  Not quiet.  Not buried.  Not not me.  Just…less.

Don’t get me wrong.  Most of the time I feel fine.  I feel like I’m dealing the best I can.  Physically I’m pretty sure that things are healing the way they are supposed to (though I’m really ready for the hoo-ha bruising to heal because I’m really tired of getting that quick sharp “ow!” pain when I sit down too hard or sit on a hard chair for too long).  I’m okay.

Until today, out of stupid morbid curiosity I tried on my skinniest jeans (really I should not wear these things in public, the words “camel toe” do not do these jeans justice in their skinny-ness) and….I could button them.  Without cutting off my circulation or suddenly developing a big ol’ muffin top.  And even though I had felt fine and ready for my day before I tried them on, once that button fastened, I just wanted to curl up for a while.

But! I didn’t. The world does not stop because my pants fit.

Enough!

This weekend was pretty fun.  I mentioned that we had friends visiting from southern Oregon.  We have a friend who has been deployed to Iraq since last March with his National Guard unit and he was on leave for about a week and a half.  We had wanted him to come up the weekend before this past one because we didn’t want to take away from his last days with his family and girlfriend before shipping back out.  We even thought about taking a trip down to make things easier.  As it turns out, he and his girlfriend wanted to do some Portland shopping.  And then they got busy the weekend that we had hoped they would come up so they told us that they would be up by Thursday morning and would leave by Saturday afternoon.

That’s right: they told us.  It is a good thing I like this friend a lot or I’d be pretty pissed off.   Nobody likes to be treated like a hotel.  Heck, even when I have to book a hotel room I still call them up and ASK if there are rooms available.

This has been a long standing thing with some people we’ve known: the telling us what our plans are.  It never stops being irritating.

Anyway!

This friend and his girlfriend made the plans to come up.  I had originally had plans with the lovely Wendy to hang out for some much needed chick time but I canceled so I could be available to show the friend how to get around.

We took them to Powell’s (the super awesome flagship downtown one) on Thursday afternoon.  Then, they slept in on Friday and decided to go to Ikea on their own (they needed to get a bunch of furniture for the house they’ll be sharing when friend gets back from Iraq).  This was fine with me–I wasn’t really up for Ikea.  But they didn’t decide until it was too late for me to call Wendy and ask if we could still get together.  Arg!

So I decided to spend the day working.  I sent them off with directions on how to get there and back (and then sent a text message with corrected return directions so that they wouldn’t accidentally end up in the Dalles) and spent the rest of the day working.  It was kind of nice.

Saturday we drove them to the Voodoo Doughnut in NE Portland (the one with parking! And seating! And pinball!) and then they headed back south at noonish.

Honestly?  It was a good visit.  I really like this friend and his girlfriend.  He’s my favorite of all of Will’s “game store friends” and I am really glad we got to see him.  I’m kind of harboring a hope that he and his girlfriend will eventually move up here so we can see them more often.  They’re fun.  And they don’t seem to mind my nervous non-stop chattering.

But I still would kind of like “is it okay if we” before telling us that they plan to stay with us for a while.

Even though it’s almost February I think I might be just about ready to make some New Years resolutions or plans.  They will include better posting (and better quality posts) to this here blog.  And to start replying to my own comments.  I even updated the computer room computer to answer my blog’s e-mail address as well as my work e-mail address so that in a down moment I can reply to people.

Maybe being present…er will help the less?