When you can’t decide how to start your “I haven’t blogged in a couple of days maybe I should do something about that” blog post I am discovering that, sometimes, the best method to get the creative bloggy juices flowing is to simply don some headphones (this is especially important if you are trying to blog in the same room as someone who needs quiet to do his homework) and crank up the tunes.  Tunes always help with the blogging even if your blogging tunage is provided by, um, The Vengaboys.

I just lost street cred points didn’t I?

For the record I had my iTunes on shuffle for a good thirty minutes trying to decide how to approach tonight’s blog entry and nothing seemed to fit the vibe I wanted until “Boom Boom Boom” by Vengaboys came blaring into my ears.  And you thought your taste in music was questionable.

Last night was Jen Lancaster’s book signing at Powell’s and can I just say?  That I really needed to spend a couple of hours with my best friend laughing at funny stories told by one of my favorite authors.  It totally cheered me up and is pretty much what kept me from cancelling today’s consultation with a potential caterer (and I’m really really glad I kept that appointment but more on that later).  I want to write all about the reading but that will probably have to wait until tomorrow’s blog post.

People? My dress appointment? It is a good thing I did not go last Thursday.  The appointment did not go well.  But I will give the saleswoman some credit.  She is a master at the insult grenade.  It took me a little while to realize that I was being insulted.  Badly insulted.  My appointment? Lasted exactly fifteen minutes (because that’s how long it took me to get fed up and flee).  It was totally not worth the hour of public transit travel that it took to get there.

I walked in and was greeted warmly.  “This won’t be so bad, these ladies seem perfectly friendly” I thought.  For about twenty seconds.  “Yeah, we’re not going to be able to help you.  You probably won’t find a dress in time anywhere.” Was the response I got after telling my “consultant” our wedding date.  I probably should have just pivoted and walked out but instead I explained that I knew that I wouldn’t be able to order anything special but that I was interested in taking a look at what they had on their racks and maybe getting some hints.

“We only stock dresses in normal girl sizes” was the response I got.  No kidding.

Then she managed to shoot down all of the ideas I had for my own wedding dress. Cap sleeves? They’d make my arms look terrible! Simple A-line? No no no, not for my shape!  Then she spent a few minutes showing me the worlds most hideous dresses.  Lots of champagne colors and applique crap: big ol’ beads, sequins and rhinestones and superfluous stitching “to help mask all of your flaws!” she would explain with each new dress she took down.

Then she told me that the only kind of dress that I would look good in would be something with a severe empire waist “but be sure to get some padding for your breasts” because it would help make me look taller and the flow of the dress (except for the padded and fitted bodice of course) would make me look taller and hide most of my body.

Here is the thing.  This woman? Was a pro.  She was an onlder lady and she said all of these things in this sweetish tone with a smile on her face like she felt so sorry for me and, no kidding, for a minute I almost wanted to apologize for my (apparently) freakish ugliness.  It took a minute for me to get good and mad.  But I decided that instead of saying “you’re awfully judgmental for a seventy year old woman whose cheeks have been stapled up behind her ears” like I wanted to, I just said “well thanks for your time.  I need to get going” and left.  Sure I would have felt better if I had told her off but at the same time I just wanted to get out of there.

I left and then spent a few hours bumming around downtown while I waited for it to be time for the book signing.  I explored the mall, thought about and decided against getting a Voodoo Doughnut (I didn’t have any cash on me) and then decided that spending a few quality hours in a book store would be just the ticket so I went to Powell’s hours early.

On the way there?  I saw a topless woman walking on Burnside.  Yep.

I was walking up Burnside toward Powell’s and I saw a group of people about a block and a half away.  There were two taller guys and one younger….dude?  I stood at the corner of Burnside and something waiting for the light to change and watched this……dude? and his buddies get closer and I have to admit at first I was kind of impressed.  “That old guy has some major man-boobs!” I thought to myself with a chuckle.  Then as they approached the other side of the intersection I thought “Wow, those are….wait.  Is that a girl?”  The light changed and as we passed each other in the intersection I realized that “Holy Crap! That is a WOMAN walking through downtown without a shirt on!”

What can I say? The crew cut and black socks fooled me!

I sent a text message to Twitter and Will and it took exactly one minute for Will to send me a text message back begging me to take a picture.

I would be lying if I said that the thought hadn’t already crossed my mind.  But here’s the thing.  My camera is equipped with a really loud “shutter click” sound.  And the lens is sensitive so you actually have to take a second to focus the camera or the picture will turn out blurry.  There was no way to stealthily take a picture of her or I totally would have.

Not that there is anything wrong with the female form and there are times (especially when the temperatures outside reach triple digits) that I bemoan the fact that men are allowed to walk around in public without a shirt on while woman are not but I do not think I would have the balls to actually challenge this.  My boobies? Are happiest when shrouded in protective layers of bra and clothing.

But still:  Topless Woman sighting in downtown! In the middle of the afternoon! (There are enough bars in that area that I imagine this becomes less of an anomaly as the night goes on)

In other appointment news:

Today was my consultation with the potential catering company and can I just say?  I really hope that we are able to afford them (I’ll have to wait a couple of days for their initial budget proposal) because I had a thoroughly enjoyable meeting.  The company is run by people who all seem to be about my age and the guy I talked to seemed really easy to work with.  He was patient and asked a ton of questions about what I had in mind and made sure to tell me that the ideas I had were right up their alley and that the price for everything was negotiable.  I kind of wanted to hang out there for a while because the people all seemed so nice.

Will isn’t thrilled with the idea of hiring a caterer for a burgers and picnic type reception but as no one we know owns a big grill and we would both feel funny about putting a family member in charge of feeding everyone after they had already travelled a long way to be there…so…there you go.  We might not end up hiring caterers at all and opt for a “whatever you can find at the grocery store” kind of reception (which could also end up being fun) but if we can afford them I want to hire these guys just because they were so nice and helpful and easy (so far) to work with.

The wedding dress shop lady could learn quite a lot from these guys is all I’m sayin’.